He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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