my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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