I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
