My liver just broke up with me...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
