a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
