he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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