dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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