I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
