don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Found the puke drawer
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
