we have officially lost it.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
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