i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
