WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
