The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
