turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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