Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
