The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize