Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
