i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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