I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
