ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
