mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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