I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
