what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
