hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I need moral support for this bender
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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