It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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