Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
