But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
