Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So. Much. Porn.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
