what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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