If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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