She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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