I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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