i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize