Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
