i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
