Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
