Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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