I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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