My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
