when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize