Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize