I cannot find my penis.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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