Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
