I am spending my child support on dildos
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
