I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
