I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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