Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
