Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
