Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
