Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
