he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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