I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
