I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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