Welp...herpes.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
