Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize
