that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
