Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
