i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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