So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
no, he came in my armpit
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
