I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
