Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
