I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
