Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
