I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
