I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
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