My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
