Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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