After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Im part way to drunk.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
